Testy Tuesday

Day Eight.

I was still a bit anxious when I woke up. But, everything went well in the morning. But, in the afternoon, well, around 5PM maybe, things became difficult. My patience was really tested. I had to summon all the patience I can get. I’m just glad there is someone that reminds me that I can make it through. Na kaya ko ito. I’m doing my best to let my otaku spirit out. It is after all my “never give up” spirit. But, things could sometimes really get into your nerves and piss you off big time. Like today.

I had to walk the dog. I’ve been doing it since… I couldn’t even remember. Must have been a long time already. But, since the incident last September 28, I’ve been paranoid when walking the dog. So, earlier, he saw a hare. He wanted to run off after it. I really had to stand my ground, but with bended knees spread apart for better balance, to stop him from doing so. I don’t wanna hurt him. But, I really had to pull his leash so he won’t run away. It’ll be another worry for me if he runs away. Di pu-pwede ‘yon. So, I really had to shout, too, and with instinct, I had a flurry of swear words coming out from my mouth. And I’ve been trying to stop from saying bad words. But, he just brings out the worst in me. So, while fuming in anger, I thought that feeling stressed out and irritated every time I walk him will do me no good. It totally affects my health. Makes me worry about my cardiovascular system… and mental health. It’s no fun to play tug-of-war with a dog almost your size but double your strength. It just isn’t.

I thought that was the end of my lemons for today. Until, I spoke with a friend. She, too, can bring out the hideous monster in me. I had to get away to get a breath of fresh air or I’d go to sleep with a bad day. So, I stopped chatting with her and concentrated on chatting with those that actually made me feel better. Not that I don’t like talking to her. But, I just can’t handle how our conversation today is sucking the life out of me.

On a positive note, all the manga/anime that I keep myself updated were up to par. Didn’t bring me down. Inspired me. Regaled me. Entertained me. I also had, what seemed to become a weekly routine, a healthy discussion with LA about Bleach’s latest chapter. It’s really awesome when after reading or watching something you can discuss your points of view with someone who can relate to what you just have read or watched. All is well.

Melancholic Monday

Seventh Day.

I woke up feeling anxious. Parang ayaw ko na ngang gumising kanina eh. I had one of those days. Evaluation days. I just can’t help myself from feeling na de numero ang galaw ko. Yung tipo bagang konting palpak lang eh pwede ng gawing malaki. Ang hirap gumalaw kapag de numero ang bawat kilos mo. Feel ko nga magkakasakit ako sa puso dahil sa kabang nararamdaman ko. Naiiyak ako dahil di ko alam kung ano ba ang dapat kong gawin para di ko maramdaman ang kaba sa dibdib ko. Parang gusto ko nang isigaw kanina ang “Ayawan na!”

Sabi nga ng mga kaibigan ko, chillax lang daw and do the best I can. Don’t be so hard on myself. Kaso, di ko mapigilan ang sarili ko na masyadong advanced mag-isip. And, I guess, until all goes well, I would be stuck feeling anxious. And it’s not good for my health. Mental and otherwise. Being in constant watch, tension and stress with work isn’t good. Being uncomfortable with what you do is destructive. But, I told myself, challenge accepted! So, as long as they want me here, I’m staying. And I’m giving my bestest ever even though at times it seems like my bestest (if there is ever a word) isn’t good enough. However, if this has to end, then so be it.

This is the fourth lemon I had in just two months. It could overwhelm a person when you have to go through, I would say, four major disappointments in life in just a short amount of time. It wouldn’t be easy. But, I remembered what Pastor Leif said last night. God didn’t promise that things will be easy, but He promised that He will be with us all the time. So, it reminded me that I maybe I was right in believing that there is something great in store for me that’s why I had to undergo these setbacks. But, I just hope that I know how to identify that something God planned for me. I just hope that I would be given clarity, enlightenment so I would know what to do and how to act on it. I guess this is where the Holy Spirit comes in. Gotta keep the faith and hang on.

Feeling Blue

I am so effin’ down these days. I really want to cry my heart out; I couldn’t. My lacrimal glands seem to be malfunctioning. I hate the fact that I can’t cry because I can feel the pain in my heart but I can’t let it go.

I look for comfort. I feel so desperate. And I used to think that I am strong. I really need a hug; a BIG effin’ hug. I want someone to give me a pat in the back and tell me that everything’s gonna be alright.

I feel so freaking lost; so alone. I don’t know what to do. But, I have no one to blame but myself. Why did I ever get into this? I just hope I would have the strength to survive this. I still have 15 months to go in this. I don’t know if I would survive that long or I would crash and burn. I’m feeling burned out these days. Not crumbling though… but, it seems like I’m getting there. And I don’t want to.

I am just so not used to this. Just like the line in Just Once… I gave my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough. I so effin’ wanna give up. But, there are other things to consider. I can’t just pack up and say I’m done and I’m quitting. I guess I’ll just have to deal with falls and bruises; to learn from mistakes and keep on moving forward.

People say that if God gave you a challenge, it’s because He believe that you can handle it. Guess I just need to have more faith in myself. Not an easy feat though with the task I’m given.

Guess it’s time to bend those creaking knees. I still feel oh so lonely. So unsure of what to do, but while writing this, I saw a glimpse of hope. Maybe there’s still a future for me. Writing this hasn’t solved my dilemma, but it has sparked something in me. Otaku spirit. Fighting! #WithFistHeldHigh