Melancholic Monday

Seventh Day.

I woke up feeling anxious. Parang ayaw ko na ngang gumising kanina eh. I had one of those days. Evaluation days. I just can’t help myself from feeling na de numero ang galaw ko. Yung tipo bagang konting palpak lang eh pwede ng gawing malaki. Ang hirap gumalaw kapag de numero ang bawat kilos mo. Feel ko nga magkakasakit ako sa puso dahil sa kabang nararamdaman ko. Naiiyak ako dahil di ko alam kung ano ba ang dapat kong gawin para di ko maramdaman ang kaba sa dibdib ko. Parang gusto ko nang isigaw kanina ang “Ayawan na!”

Sabi nga ng mga kaibigan ko, chillax lang daw and do the best I can. Don’t be so hard on myself. Kaso, di ko mapigilan ang sarili ko na masyadong advanced mag-isip. And, I guess, until all goes well, I would be stuck feeling anxious. And it’s not good for my health. Mental and otherwise. Being in constant watch, tension and stress with work isn’t good. Being uncomfortable with what you do is destructive. But, I told myself, challenge accepted! So, as long as they want me here, I’m staying. And I’m giving my bestest ever even though at times it seems like my bestest (if there is ever a word) isn’t good enough. However, if this has to end, then so be it.

This is the fourth lemon I had in just two months. It could overwhelm a person when you have to go through, I would say, four major disappointments in life in just a short amount of time. It wouldn’t be easy. But, I remembered what Pastor Leif said last night. God didn’t promise that things will be easy, but He promised that He will be with us all the time. So, it reminded me that I maybe I was right in believing that there is something great in store for me that’s why I had to undergo these setbacks. But, I just hope that I know how to identify that something God planned for me. I just hope that I would be given clarity, enlightenment so I would know what to do and how to act on it. I guess this is where the Holy Spirit comes in. Gotta keep the faith and hang on.

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First Sunday, October

6th Day.

Went to church for the morning service. Late pa ng 30 minutes. Late nagising. Natagalan sa pagkain. Di na naabutan ang paunang praise and worship. Dumating kami ni gerletz kaffe time na, just before the preaching. Touched with the preaching. Humility. Pastor spoke about Jesus’ washing His disciples’ feet.

After the church service, we went to Anne and Mad’s place for our monthly Bible study. There were 13 of us, including our host and their little baby, sweet baby Gab. 👼 It’s really nice to learn and grow more in God’s word with fellow believers. We also got ourselves new Bibles. I have been hoping to buy a new Bible for myself because the one I have, has only the New Testament. I wanted one with both Old and New testaments. But, I wasn’t able to buy yet because it is really expensive. So, it was really an answered prayer.

After our Bible study, we went to Tina’s place. But had to leave early to have dinner at Mayeth’s place. Then off to church we go for the youth service. It was our first time to attend it. It was actually cool. Enlightened and blessed with the preaching. Pastor Leif talked about how big God’s love is.

I am blessed with the life of all that I met today. Very, very thankful with God’s gift and grace. Glad to have an awesome God.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” ~Jeremiah 29:11, NLT

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Our new Bible

Hasta La Vista, Gerletz

Fifth Day.

We held Connie’s farewell party. I got here at her place around 2PM to help her out with the preparation. The party started at 6PM. I didn’t bring her a gift yet. Partly because I wasn’t able to buy yet what I wanted to give her; but, mostly because I wanted to give it to her on or before the day she leaves. I have a lot to tell her, but I haven’t written it yet. It’s like if I actually do it, it’s like really saying “bye-bye na”. She still have 2 weeks left here, until then, no emo moments muna.

Connie, she’s the bestest friend I got here in Denmark. It’s her that I could always lean on when I need a friend. She’s almost always the one I hang out with. She’s the model I got when I feel like being a photographer and I needed a human subject. She’s my ka-foodtrip. It’s just unfair that she doesn’t get fat even if we eat a lot. 🍲🍰🍮🍹😠Hahaha!!! She’s my kalakwatsa sa gabi. Not going to bars, though. Basta pag may event at gagabihin, siya ang nakakasama ko. Siya din ang partner ko sa kantahan. 🎤🎼🎵🎶 We’ve recorded songs we covered. Kahit na may bloopers. And maybe because we hang out a lot together, minsan sabi ng iba, magkamukha na daw kami. Some have mistaken us as siblings. And someone thought we’re twins. The sibling thing is passable. I tell her, we could be sisters as long as I’m the bunso. But the twin thing, that is just so questionable. Height pa lang, 7 inches na siguro ang difference. She’s almost skinny. I’m stuffy. We don’t really look like twins.👭

She’s not perfect. She gets into my nerves, pisses me off and drives me crazy. We argue. We fight. But, at the end of the day, her beautiful personality surpasses her imperfection.

I’ll miss you gerletz. But, it’s not goodbye, it’s see you again. Ses vi ikke gøres? 👋

Just My Luck

This is my second post for my “diary”. I skipped the second day, which was yesterday. Can you see my dedication? Gawd. I’m horrible. And I won’t make excuses about it. But, yeah, I’ll try to keep one anyway.

Third day.

I guess di lang talaga ako paboritong anak ni Lady Luck. Kasi naman nung nagbahagi ng swerte ang Diyos, hinayaan lang niya akong matulog sa pansitan. Ayan tuloy, just my luck na lang talaga, wala na ngang kwenta lovelife ko, bokya pa career ko. Ehrmergerd. Kill yourself ui.

On second thought, dahil nga sa klase ng swerte na meron ako, malamang di rin magiging successful ang pagpapatiwakal. Baka kailanganin ko pa ng hired assassin. Gosh! Mamamatay na nga lang, expensive pa din. Kalurkey! Ikaw na!

It seems like this year and the last quarter of last year, I am in a perpetual state of depression and a little joy. I wasn’t even manic nor euphoric. It’s just after depression, sasaya lang ng konti. Just when I thought everything is going out fine, things start to turn out bad. It’s just crazy. Isang pirma na lang siguro ng dysfunctional neurons ko, baliw na ako.

Pero, iisipin ko na lang na “this, too, shall pass”. Otaku spirit activate with fist held high!

Lord, flattered naman po ako na ang laki ng tiwala nyo na kaya kong lampasin ang lahat ng pagsubok na hinarap ko… Pang apat na itong panibago sa loob lang ng dalawang buwan. I am grateful Lord sa tiwala Niyo, pero, pwede pong break din muna? Nauubos din po ang powers at energy ko. Need ko din po ang magrecharge at magchillax. Need ko po ang mag-ipon ng positive vibes, panglaban sa stress, pampatatag loob. Sige na po, Lord, please? Maawa naman po sa puso ko, magkakasakit ako sa puso ng wala sa oras eh. Okay po ba, Lord? Salamuch po. Amen.

Dear Diary

Nang minsang magmuni-muni ako, naisip kong pwede nga akong magblog everyday. Di naman kailangan na mahaba ang isusulat. I thought of making my blog a sort of a daily diary. I even thought it funny that I would start it at the last quarter of the year. Kamuntik na namang di matuloy, i was on the verge of falling in to “bukas na lang“. But I got a grip of myself. Told myself that if I don’t do it now, I might not ever. Baka mauwi ako lagi sa “bukas na lang”. Bad idea.

So, ayun, I had a long day. I started 6.45AM, I ended around 9.30 or 10PM maybe. I had to manage the house, do the dishes, do the laundry, train Victor and assist him with biking, and walk Charlie. Charlie is the most difficult of all. Since the incident last Friday, kung saan nasugatan ang kamay ko, I am acting really paranoid when walking Charlie. Lingon ng lingon and really pushing my pandinig to hear even the slightest movement around. I had to be alert in sensing other dog in the vicinity. I am so wary of having other dogs around when walking him. No, I am actually wary of anything that could get his interest and make him run after it. It’s not easy to walk a dog almost my size… or maybe heavier than me. It drives me crazy when Charlie runs after something. I think the next time he does, I might get a cardiac arrest even though I have no problem with my cardiovascular system.

Ayun, inaantok na talaga ako. I’ll just post another entry tomorrow. 🙂

Feeling Blue

I am so effin’ down these days. I really want to cry my heart out; I couldn’t. My lacrimal glands seem to be malfunctioning. I hate the fact that I can’t cry because I can feel the pain in my heart but I can’t let it go.

I look for comfort. I feel so desperate. And I used to think that I am strong. I really need a hug; a BIG effin’ hug. I want someone to give me a pat in the back and tell me that everything’s gonna be alright.

I feel so freaking lost; so alone. I don’t know what to do. But, I have no one to blame but myself. Why did I ever get into this? I just hope I would have the strength to survive this. I still have 15 months to go in this. I don’t know if I would survive that long or I would crash and burn. I’m feeling burned out these days. Not crumbling though… but, it seems like I’m getting there. And I don’t want to.

I am just so not used to this. Just like the line in Just Once… I gave my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough. I so effin’ wanna give up. But, there are other things to consider. I can’t just pack up and say I’m done and I’m quitting. I guess I’ll just have to deal with falls and bruises; to learn from mistakes and keep on moving forward.

People say that if God gave you a challenge, it’s because He believe that you can handle it. Guess I just need to have more faith in myself. Not an easy feat though with the task I’m given.

Guess it’s time to bend those creaking knees. I still feel oh so lonely. So unsure of what to do, but while writing this, I saw a glimpse of hope. Maybe there’s still a future for me. Writing this hasn’t solved my dilemma, but it has sparked something in me. Otaku spirit. Fighting! #WithFistHeldHigh

Ten-Day Blog Challenge: Day Ten

10Days

ONE CONFESSION

This isn’t a unique confession. I don’t know if everybody goes through this phase, but I know I’m not the only one…

1. I doubted my sexuality.

Well, it troubled me because I have always known that I am a female, inside and out, but suddenly there was this crazy emotion for a girl. And it was alarming (for me) because the girl in question isn’t your typical beautiful, head-turner girl, that would make you think that maybe you just admire her beauty that’s why you think you feel something for her. I never figured out what was that funny emotion, but there’s no point in doubting, I would always love a man. Teehahaha! This is the first time though that I made this confession public. I didn’t tell a single soul about this… until now.