Just My Luck

This is my second post for my “diary”. I skipped the second day, which was yesterday. Can you see my dedication? Gawd. I’m horrible. And I won’t make excuses about it. But, yeah, I’ll try to keep one anyway.

Third day.

I guess di lang talaga ako paboritong anak ni Lady Luck. Kasi naman nung nagbahagi ng swerte ang Diyos, hinayaan lang niya akong matulog sa pansitan. Ayan tuloy, just my luck na lang talaga, wala na ngang kwenta lovelife ko, bokya pa career ko. Ehrmergerd. Kill yourself ui.

On second thought, dahil nga sa klase ng swerte na meron ako, malamang di rin magiging successful ang pagpapatiwakal. Baka kailanganin ko pa ng hired assassin. Gosh! Mamamatay na nga lang, expensive pa din. Kalurkey! Ikaw na!

It seems like this year and the last quarter of last year, I am in a perpetual state of depression and a little joy. I wasn’t even manic nor euphoric. It’s just after depression, sasaya lang ng konti. Just when I thought everything is going out fine, things start to turn out bad. It’s just crazy. Isang pirma na lang siguro ng dysfunctional neurons ko, baliw na ako.

Pero, iisipin ko na lang na “this, too, shall pass”. Otaku spirit activate with fist held high!

Lord, flattered naman po ako na ang laki ng tiwala nyo na kaya kong lampasin ang lahat ng pagsubok na hinarap ko… Pang apat na itong panibago sa loob lang ng dalawang buwan. I am grateful Lord sa tiwala Niyo, pero, pwede pong break din muna? Nauubos din po ang powers at energy ko. Need ko din po ang magrecharge at magchillax. Need ko po ang mag-ipon ng positive vibes, panglaban sa stress, pampatatag loob. Sige na po, Lord, please? Maawa naman po sa puso ko, magkakasakit ako sa puso ng wala sa oras eh. Okay po ba, Lord? Salamuch po. Amen.

Dear Diary

Nang minsang magmuni-muni ako, naisip kong pwede nga akong magblog everyday. Di naman kailangan na mahaba ang isusulat. I thought of making my blog a sort of a daily diary. I even thought it funny that I would start it at the last quarter of the year. Kamuntik na namang di matuloy, i was on the verge of falling in to “bukas na lang“. But I got a grip of myself. Told myself that if I don’t do it now, I might not ever. Baka mauwi ako lagi sa “bukas na lang”. Bad idea.

So, ayun, I had a long day. I started 6.45AM, I ended around 9.30 or 10PM maybe. I had to manage the house, do the dishes, do the laundry, train Victor and assist him with biking, and walk Charlie. Charlie is the most difficult of all. Since the incident last Friday, kung saan nasugatan ang kamay ko, I am acting really paranoid when walking Charlie. Lingon ng lingon and really pushing my pandinig to hear even the slightest movement around. I had to be alert in sensing other dog in the vicinity. I am so wary of having other dogs around when walking him. No, I am actually wary of anything that could get his interest and make him run after it. It’s not easy to walk a dog almost my size… or maybe heavier than me. It drives me crazy when Charlie runs after something. I think the next time he does, I might get a cardiac arrest even though I have no problem with my cardiovascular system.

Ayun, inaantok na talaga ako. I’ll just post another entry tomorrow. 🙂

Feeling Blue

I am so effin’ down these days. I really want to cry my heart out; I couldn’t. My lacrimal glands seem to be malfunctioning. I hate the fact that I can’t cry because I can feel the pain in my heart but I can’t let it go.

I look for comfort. I feel so desperate. And I used to think that I am strong. I really need a hug; a BIG effin’ hug. I want someone to give me a pat in the back and tell me that everything’s gonna be alright.

I feel so freaking lost; so alone. I don’t know what to do. But, I have no one to blame but myself. Why did I ever get into this? I just hope I would have the strength to survive this. I still have 15 months to go in this. I don’t know if I would survive that long or I would crash and burn. I’m feeling burned out these days. Not crumbling though… but, it seems like I’m getting there. And I don’t want to.

I am just so not used to this. Just like the line in Just Once… I gave my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough. I so effin’ wanna give up. But, there are other things to consider. I can’t just pack up and say I’m done and I’m quitting. I guess I’ll just have to deal with falls and bruises; to learn from mistakes and keep on moving forward.

People say that if God gave you a challenge, it’s because He believe that you can handle it. Guess I just need to have more faith in myself. Not an easy feat though with the task I’m given.

Guess it’s time to bend those creaking knees. I still feel oh so lonely. So unsure of what to do, but while writing this, I saw a glimpse of hope. Maybe there’s still a future for me. Writing this hasn’t solved my dilemma, but it has sparked something in me. Otaku spirit. Fighting! #WithFistHeldHigh

Ten-Day Blog Challenge: Day Ten

10Days

ONE CONFESSION

This isn’t a unique confession. I don’t know if everybody goes through this phase, but I know I’m not the only one…

1. I doubted my sexuality.

Well, it troubled me because I have always known that I am a female, inside and out, but suddenly there was this crazy emotion for a girl. And it was alarming (for me) because the girl in question isn’t your typical beautiful, head-turner girl, that would make you think that maybe you just admire her beauty that’s why you think you feel something for her. I never figured out what was that funny emotion, but there’s no point in doubting, I would always love a man. Teehahaha! This is the first time though that I made this confession public. I didn’t tell a single soul about this… until now.

An Open Letter to Chichiwe

Dear Daddy Deng,

Yesterday was Father’s Day here in Denmark… and in the Philippines, it’s just around the corner. So, Happy Father’s day to you… the best dad in the world. You probably won’t read this because I haven’t told you I have a blog. But, I’m actually considering letting you in on this; this one’s for you anyway. I even thought of maybe reading it to you, but I don’t think it’s a good idea. I might cry my heart out again. Remember the time I gave a speech about the Second Word of Jesus’ Seven Last Words? After I wrote my speech, I needed an audience to hear it; to comment on it. I read it to you and I couldn’t help myself but cry. I couldn’t read your facial expression when you saw me crying but I know you knew that it was my way of officially saying sorry. You asked me if I would be okay when I give my speech; if I am sure I wanted to do it. With tears still streaming from my eyes, I laughingly answered you I would be okay, I can manage.

Thank you for your loving protection. Although you and Mommy tend to be overprotective of me. You actually were, I think. Whereas my classmates during high school could go out with friends and watch movies together (at a friend’s place), I couldn’t. When it isn’t school-related or weekend or birthday, I couldn’t go out. Though I could bring friends over anytime, which is a good thing (my close friends even call you and mommy, Daddy and Mommy, because they’re with us like everyday during weekdays. I can’t remember if everyone calls you Daddy Deng, too or it was only Andrew, Cherry, and Mheng). Bad thing is we don’t have a telly, we can’t watch series or movies when we want to. Hehehe.  You feared for my safety. I didn’t understand that before. I thought you folks were strict. Maybe you were. Haha.

Thank you for giving me everything I needed and sometimes the things I wanted. Thank you for spoiling me; thank you for not allowing me to be a brat. I am spoiled, but not a brat. I remember when I was in elementary I asked you to bring bamboo when you come home from working in the mountain village. I couldn’t remember now why I needed those bamboo, but that time it was important for me that you bring it. However, you forgot. So, trying to imitate what I saw on the telly (sabi na kasing nakakaimpluwensya ang media), I threw a fit. I stamped my foot, got mad at you and threw my clothes all over. But, being brought up as a good daughter and not a brat, I got guilty afterwards. I picked up the clothes I threw. I haven’t thrown any tantrum that way ever again. I had to clean up my mess afterwards. No thanks. Hehehe.

Thank you for the awesome talks during mealtimes. Our dinner is always fun. Thank you for letting me ask my questions, even the stupid ones. You always entertain my queries. Whereas Mommy gets annoyed when I ask too much, you were patient. Even when I learned the “never-ending-question-why”. Being a kid, I think I asked those questions just to piss you off.  You heard a lot of “porque?” from me. Our dinner together was never silent, we all love to talk. I remember we had a conversation about crushes because you read one of my slum books. Pakalat-kalat kasi sa bahay ang mga slum book ko. But, you got the luck to read a “safe” name. I think I wrote Rico Yan. He was an actor. Safe!!! Hahaha!

Then during my summer before 2nd year in college, you accompanied me to the ship I would embark bound for Cebu. When we were aboard the ship, you asked me if Darwish is courting me. I just laughed at your question (because it’s one of the 3 questions I laugh at when asked about me and Darwish). I said, no, he’s not. But, know what? I really wanted to tell you “How I wish that he is courting me.” Hahaha! You probably know then that I like Darwish… I’m not sure if you knew I loved him. I have been wondering, too, what you told him the last time he visited. I didn’t get to see him that time because I didn’t know he was coming and I was taking a bath. I just knew he came by because he sent me an SMS saying that he did and you also told me that the “police” dropped by. By the way, he’s a policeman now, but I’m so over him na. Woohoo! Di mo na po talaga siya mamanugangin. hahaha!

Oh, yeah, wanna know my crush now, Daddy Deng? With all the bad rep the Middle East have, you’d probably freak out if you find out I have a crush on an Iranian. Okay, maybe not; just alarmed… and he wants to come along when I go home there. There, you can freak out now. But, knowing you, you won’t. You don’t freak out; you’d just kill him with your corny jokes. Hihi.

Speaking of jokes, I always laugh, exasperatedly at times, at your banat because no matter how corny the jokes you tell, you say it in a funny way. Maybe that’s the reason why Jomar and the other kids always laugh when you tell them your jokes. And I find it funny that Jomar calls you “NANG Jun” instead of “NONG Jun”. Hahaha! He turned you into a woman. I also remember you telling a joke to me and Mommy on a candlelit night (as usual brownout na isla). That was really epic. My belly ached from laughing. Thinking about it makes me miss our bonding session.

You’re turning 75 on December, I hope we could make it a very special one. So, stay healthy, ne Chichiwe? I know you’re not at your best health now, unlike ages ago, but still, keep safe and healthy. I still want you and Mommy to walk me down the aisle to the altar on my wedding day… if I get married someday. I won’t ask you to sing Bob Carlisle’s Butterfly Kisses, but I hope you would dedicate that song to me… I am sent from heaven to be your little girl. Hahaha! But, if you want to, you can sing that song for me Daddy Deng. And you know what, I may promise my love, my life to another man someday… but, you’ll always be my Number 1 love. I’ll always be your little girl. Figuratively and literally.

There’s another thing, I wonder why you and Mommy call each other Deng. Ayan tuloy, I grew up calling you Deng. I don’t even know your lovestory. Maybe I should ask you that the next time I call you two. I’m already 25 and I don’t know how you two met. My other friends, they know their parents’ lovestory while they were still kids. I definitely would ask you soon. 🙂

Thank you for allowing me to argue with you. I think it’s because of our arguments that I have this love-hate relationship with politics. You encouraged me to exercise my critical thinking skills. Thank you for encouraging me to be outspoken and to speak my mind reasonably. Between the two of us, I think it’s me who always gets heat up during our arguments. I think it’s because of this that when the need for debate appears, I could defend myself.

Thank you for sharing your passion for reading. I love reading. I am glad I do… all thanks to you. I remember you made me read a thick paperback when I was in Grade 3, I think. It’s not really a kid stuff, but you still encouraged me to enhance my reading and comprehension skills. I am just grateful that I have this love for reading because if I don’t, I won’t be able to enjoy the things I enjoy from reading.

Thank you for everything. Words are not enough to show you how much I appreciate you for being my father; not enough to show you how much I love you. But, I LOVE YOU. Te amo mucho Daddy Deng. Besos y abrazos. Cuidate pirmi.

Your little girl,

Vess 🙂

PS. It was your idea to spell my nickname that way. Thanks.

PPS. I might marry that Iranian. JOKE!!! Hahaha! 😛

medad

Let’s have more pictures taken when I come home. 🙂

Ten-Day Blog Challenge: Day Seven

10Days

FOUR TURN OFFS

1. Arrogance. I just couldn’t stand that attitude. Tinutumba ako ng hangin.

2. Irresponsible. Naiistress ako sa mga taong walang sense of responsibility.

3. Humorless. Walang kabuhay-buhay kasama ang taong ganito. Killjoy.

4. Asar-talo. I don’t know if there is an English equivalent for it, but, yeah, that attitude really gets into my nerves and pisses me off big time. I just couldn’t take it that when a person teases someone and that someone doesn’t get affected, he gets mad and turn the teasing into a real fight. Bummer!

Ten-Day Blog Challenge: Day Six

10Days

FIVE PEOPLE WHO MEAN A LOT (IN NO ORDER WHATSOEVER)

My family has always mean a lot to me. So, I’m not including them here to give space to others that I also cherish.

1. VALENTINAS. I consider this group as one person because I have to include all of them. They’re my family in Cebu.

2. Shameer. My BFF.

3. Mars Company. Just like Valentinas, I have to include them all. They’re my family here in Odense.

4. The Heides. My host family.

5. Hamed. Well…

Ten-Day Blog Challenge: Day Five

10Days

SIX THINGS YOU WISH YOU’D NEVER DONE

I have acknowledged that whatever misfortune or regrets I have are necessary challenges in my life for me to be where I am now and for me to meet the people I deeply cherish. So, I have made my peace with all the woes I’ve been to. Although, I would admit that from time to time, there are still stuff that come back to me and haunt me and make me say, I wish I’ve never done that. Here it goes, in no particular order.

1. I wish I didn’t take up Nursing in college. I never dreamed of becoming a nurse. But, here I am, a registered nurse. Nurse by profession.

2. I wish I didn’t let my first boyfriend manipulate me. Our breakup wasn’t the most painful among the breakups I’ve been to, but my relationship with him was the most chaotic I had.

3. I wish I didn’t admit doing that idiotic thing my friend did. I don’t know what I was thinking that time. Either I am a really good friend, trying to save her from trouble, or I was just plain stupid.

4. I wish I didn’t stop from trying to be on top of our class. I used to be an honor student when I was in elementary and high school; but, when I reached college (and started dating my first boyfriend) everything went downhill. Plus that thing with my friend, I went through a phase where my life was a mess.

5. I wish I didn’t fall in love with Awing. I don’t regret loving him because it was by loving him that I learned unconditional love.; I learned a lot by loving him. But, that’s not always the case. There are times I wish I didn’t.

6. I wish I didn’t let the opportunity to be a paid blogger pass me by. However, there’s a conflict of schedule. If I accept that, I wouldn’t have my weekend for myself. That’s the only time I could relax a bit. Goodluck naman sa mental and emotional health ko.