I woke up feeling anxious. Parang ayaw ko na ngang gumising kanina eh. I had one of those days. Evaluation days. I just can’t help myself from feeling na de numero ang galaw ko. Yung tipo bagang konting palpak lang eh pwede ng gawing malaki. Ang hirap gumalaw kapag de numero ang bawat kilos mo. Feel ko nga magkakasakit ako sa puso dahil sa kabang nararamdaman ko. Naiiyak ako dahil di ko alam kung ano ba ang dapat kong gawin para di ko maramdaman ang kaba sa dibdib ko. Parang gusto ko nang isigaw kanina ang “Ayawan na!”
Sabi nga ng mga kaibigan ko, chillax lang daw and do the best I can. Don’t be so hard on myself. Kaso, di ko mapigilan ang sarili ko na masyadong advanced mag-isip. And, I guess, until all goes well, I would be stuck feeling anxious. And it’s not good for my health. Mental and otherwise. Being in constant watch, tension and stress with work isn’t good. Being uncomfortable with what you do is destructive. But, I told myself, challenge accepted! So, as long as they want me here, I’m staying. And I’m giving my bestest ever even though at times it seems like my bestest (if there is ever a word) isn’t good enough. However, if this has to end, then so be it.
This is the fourth lemon I had in just two months. It could overwhelm a person when you have to go through, I would say, four major disappointments in life in just a short amount of time. It wouldn’t be easy. But, I remembered what Pastor Leif said last night. God didn’t promise that things will be easy, but He promised that He will be with us all the time. So, it reminded me that I maybe I was right in believing that there is something great in store for me that’s why I had to undergo these setbacks. But, I just hope that I know how to identify that something God planned for me. I just hope that I would be given clarity, enlightenment so I would know what to do and how to act on it. I guess this is where the Holy Spirit comes in. Gotta keep the faith and hang on.