April’s Fool

After months of not posting anything here on WordPress, I wanted to post something catchy and witty. But, instead I ended up writing this, although I have other topics to talk about that I was really looking forward to blog about. I really didn’t want to talk about this because it would somehow show my “weakness”, but I had to accept that I am affected by this “weakness”.

I was kinda feeling depressed, stressed out and frustrated for the past few days for some unknown reasons… or maybe for a reason I couldn’t accept. It sounded wretched. There’s this void, this emptiness that I feel in my being and it’s keeping me from functioning at top-notch. Sometime, during early January, I felt like this. So, I tried asking myself if this is because I’m missing my parents and my friends back in Pinas or this is work-related, because these were the reasons I felt this way last January; no, to both queries.

I wanted to stop there. I just couldn’t bring myself to think that the reason I feel this way is my non-existent lovelife. That’s just… I find it desperate. I’m still 25 years old; young and independent, exploring the world on my own. I think of myself as a strong woman who doesn’t need a man to make me happy. So, acknowledging that I actually wanted to have a lovelife makes me feel like I’m hopeless. And, I’m not. I know I’m not. I can live without a guy.

But, I am named after the Roman goddess of love… or yeah, the second planet from the Sun. So, I think it wouldn’t be unusual if I have a romantic bone or I’m a hopeless romantic. Therefore, it wouldn’t really be unusual, too, if I wanted to have a lovelife. But, being me, I just couldn’t accept that there’s a part of me that somehow wants it THAT much. But, seeing how most of my friends have keychains and are attached, while I am being friendzoned, makes me long for a lovelife, too. Does that make me desperate or it’s just my state of mind thinking I’m dead duck?

I just really had to talk about this feeling because it keeps me from thinking about “business” blogs. I can’t pour out my creative juice because there’s this hollow feeling that’s holding me back. So, I had to delve to find out what makes me feel this way even if it means acknowledging that I may be feeling despaired over my non-existent lovelife and realizing that at 25, I’m not getting any younger, physically. So, maybe with allowing this truth to hit me, it might give a release to this pent-up feeling and make me think straighter again and go about with the stuffs I really, really have to do.

However, I don’t really wanna think that I’m desperate… So, maybe, yeah, I just miss my parents. That’s safer.

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